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Relationships
Diana Daly
Key points
Technology, especially mobile apps, reshapes love and sexuality, converging online dating with love, sex, loneliness, and marketing.
Historical parallels show a gradual shift from past “sexting” to modern expressions through selfies, emphasizing the enduring nature of intimate communication.
Selfies redefine romance, empowering women in sexting, yet introducing complexities related to legal implications and societal norms.
A personal narrative highlights social media’s influence on self-perception, body image, and insecurities, leading to self-obsession and a quest for a curated online identity.
Explores interconnected relationships in online dating, influenced by biases, societal norms, and the high-stakes nature of dating.
Examines the shift from social media connections to direct communication, speculating on contemporary college students’ approaches, emphasizing human choices in shaping dating experiences.
Expressions of and searches for love and sexuality pervade all corners of the web today, particularly the world of mobile applications. If there is one area of life that we can say has been deeply changed by technology today, it is the conflagration of love, sex, loneliness, and marketing which we will simply call online dating.
Section 1: Sexting and selfies
As always, history reveals that the changes enacted through technology on online dating have been gradual; that there is a great deal of convergence between how we have loved and lusted in the past and how we do so now. For example, this video by the Atlantic Monthly provides examples of sexual texting or “sexting” style messages exchanged among lovers and lusters in generations and centuries past.
Selfies are a new genre of photography, and art, according to Jerry Saltz in this article for New York Magazine. They also may signify a new sense of self-reflection that is redefining romance and sexuality. For example, images of nude women have been circulated on every type of medium used in history. But in the age of selfies and sexting, women are now the most frequent photographers of the female form; the sexualizing gaze is directed at the self, and then shared with the world. In her article entitled Sexting as Media Production, Amy Hasinoff promotes the idea that sexting can be empowering for young women. She also unveils the complications when laws designed to punish people for circulating pornographic images and abusing children are applied to young people who are expressing sexuality over phones and online. As seen in the erotic photos just above, the online circulation of sexualized images is an old practice with new players.
Section 2: Connecting to the network and infiltrating the tribe
A significant part of human social life is organized around who we form lasting romantic relationships. The online world, once idealized as a place of anonymity and separation from offline life, now has networks devoted to replicating offline life online, and building networks of relationships. These interconnected relationships are what experts really mean when we talk about social networks, which sociologists began studying decades before online social networking sites existed.
Dating is important. It offers the rare invitation for someone unconnected with one’s social network to enter, at least temporarily. Dating can be the preface to an intimate relationship and potentially a lasting one. So, this invitation can’t be extended to just anyone; we have to vet people before they can enter the inner sanctums of our lives, and biases can play significant roles in that vetting. The discomfort of this process for a new partner of a different race is captured in two films about a young black man coming to the home of the family of his white girlfriend: 1967’s Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, and 2017’s Get Out, which explored these themes through the lens of horror. Yet even when dating does not end in horrific consequences, it is still a high-stakes activity.
But is dating always so serious? What if the connection is intended, by one or more of those involved, to be just about sex? Well, that is part of human history as well. And it still has significant emotional and social consequences.
Student insights: Balancing Connectivity and Distractions (video by Valentina, Spring 2021)
Section 3: The sequence for seeking someone special
In a 2014 article entitled From Facebook to Cell Calls, Yang and coauthors found that college students progressed through layers of electronic intimacy – different media chosen as benchmarks in the progression of a romantic relationship. When they were interested in someone, they began by connecting with a “crush” through Facebook, which allowed the “crush” to see who their admirer’s friends were and how the admirer looked, communicated, and behaved. The next layer was instant messaging – direct communication, but not as direct as the use of one’s “digits” or cellular connection. After instant messaging, they moved to the more intimate sanctum of text messaging. The final step was a face-to-face meeting. Overall, this sequence of media they used followed a pattern: they began by performing in front of and viewing one another’s social networks, then moved into more direct one-on-one communication before meeting in person.
Data in the above study was likely collected in 2011 or 2012. So, what might people like the participants in Yang and coauthors’ study be doing to find romance now, five years later? College students today may be using some different platforms in their pursuit of new connections than the students in Yang et al’s study; Instagram is likely high on the list.
However, it is also likely that at least some of the pursuit of romantic interests that happened through different media in the past is now consolidating in online dating sites. The Pew Research Center published a report in 2016 about the growing number of Americans who have used online dating. They found that online dating usage by those aged 18-24 has nearly tripled since 2013 and usage by those aged 55-64 has doubled; other age groups’ use has increased as well.
Online dating apps afford the presentation of ourselves to prospective friends, partners, mates, and hookups. On these apps, users’ imagery and self-description tend to be idealized, sometimes to the point of deception. Apps such as settleforlove.com have been developed around the desire for more honesty in online dating, but their market share has not been spectacular. It seems upfront honesty is not the best way to gather a public of potential lovers.
Do dating apps also follow the sequence found in Yang and coauthors’ study, moving from social and tribal to direct connections? That depends. Some apps leave out learning about someone’s social connections, relying instead on complex algorithms to calculate who might be a good match – even if scientific evidence does not show that these algorithms work. Others just speed through the sequence by facilitating immediate direct connection, and in some cases, quick sex. Some use the language of sociality like “tribe” and some connect you to matches through your social networks.
But we humans and our cultural norms still determine a great deal of how dating apps are used. Just as bias affects algorithms across the web, bias has been found to tip the scales on dating sites in favor of white men, to the detriment of groups including black women and Asian men. Sites and apps follow our leads as much as we follow theirs. And apps only go so far; dating apps today function more like online shopping than like relationship formation of the past. In the BBC Horizon film How to Find Love Online, the romance-focused anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher says they are better called “Introduction services,” with the act of dating and the final vetting before it is still conducted in person.
Section 5: Mobile dating apps
Mobile apps are particularly influential in the world of online dating today. One of the pioneers was Grindr, a gay dating app. Bae, an up and coming site branded “for black singles,” was recently acquired by a company aiming to make it global. Her caters to queer women.
Some scientists and users are critical of online dating apps because of the wide selection they provide. As Aziz Ansari points out in this podcast episode, and in this article, for some people dating once meant choosing from an extremely small selection of people. He and the podcast host cite studies finding a “paradox of choice,” psychologist Barry Schwartz’s theory that the more selection we have, the less likely we are to choose something and feel satisfied with our choice – whether it is a partner or a jar of jam. And today? Thanks to these apps, users get exposed to a lot more jam.
For users in big cities, it is possible to swipe almost infinitely through prospects for dating and potential sex. As my friend Mary Franklin Harvin describes it, it gives “an air of disposability” to people. Nancy Jo Sales’ Vanity Fair article on Tinder goes further, claiming women have fewer orgasms in the numbers-game exchanges Tinder facilitates – and in these situations with so little intimacy or rapport for feedback, men do not learn the skills to be good lovers.
Many in the article linked above, including Sales, have charged that Tinder encourages a culture of harassment of women. That may be in part because the culture within the company has been the site of harassment. Tinder co-founder Whitney Wolfe left Tinder in 2014 after being sexually harassed there, received a settlement, and started Bumble.
But online dating sites, like most technologies, depend on humans to use them and shape their norms. To end with a ray of hope for those who feel they have to use Tinder, artists like Audrey Jones, Matt Starr, and Jarrod Allen use Tinder to make art. If nothing else, they remind us that humans can choose to use platforms in new ways – even if using them differently than the crowd can be lonely.
Student insights: Digital Acculturation (video by iVoices Media Lab Student, Spring 2021)
The Intern Series Part 2: Vulnerability — Social Media and Ourselves podcast
The Intern Series Part 2: Vulnerability
Release date: June 1st, 2021
Three stories of young people putting themselves out there on social media, leading to a range of situations from the uncomfortable to the sublime. Storytelling and collection by iVoices Intern Taylor Robeson. Music by Gabe Stultz. Produced by Diana Daly.
Respond to this podcast episode…How did the podcast episode “The Intern Series Part 2: Vulnerability” use interviews, student voices, or sounds to demonstrate a current or past social trend phenomenon? If you were making a sequel to this episode, what voices or sounds would you include to help listeners understand more about this trend, and why?
a term by Yang et al (2013) to describe how college students chose different media platforms as benchmarks in the progression of a romantic relationship
a 2013 article by Amy Hasinoff promoting the idea that sexting can be empowering for young women, and unveiling the complications that arise when laws designed to punish people for circulating pornographic images and abusing children are applied to young people who are expressing sexuality over phones and online
Core Questions
A. Questions for qualitative thought:
Consider the layers of electronic intimacy discussed in this chapter, and then consider your own generation and subculture. What layers of electronic intimacy do people you know often go through as they try to get to know another person?
How has the evolution of technology influenced the perception and experience of intimacy in romantic relationships over time, particularly considering the transition from erotic photographs to contemporary practices like sexting and selfies?
Building on the discussion of biases in vetting potential partners, could you share personal insights or observations on how societal norms, including biases related to race or other factors, impact the online dating experience and the formation of romantic connections?
Reflecting on the content discussing dating apps, particularly the idealization of self-presentation and the potential influence on traditional dating norms, how do you perceive the balance between personal agency and platform-driven expectations in the context of online dating? Share examples from your own experiences or observations.
B. Review: Which is the best answer?
C. Game on!
Related Content
Read It: When texts suddenly stop: Why people ghost on social media
A 21st-century genre of popular art and media production
A 2013 article by Amy Hasinoff promoting the idea that sexting can be empowering for young women, and unveiling the complications that arise when laws designed to punish people for circulating pornographic images and abusing children are applied to young people who are expressing sexuality over phones and online
A term by Yang et al (2013) to describe how college students chose different media platforms as benchmarks in the progression of a romantic relationship
Psychologist Barry Schwartz's theory that the more selection we have, the less likely we are to choose something and feel satisfied with our choice
Dr. Diana Daly of the University of Arizona is the Director of iVoices, a media lab helping students produce media from their narratives on technologies. Prof Daly teaches about qualitative research, social media, and information quality at the University of Arizona.
definition
A 21st-century genre of popular art and media production
A 2013 article by Amy Hasinoff promoting the idea that sexting can be empowering for young women, and unveiling the complications that arise when laws designed to punish people for circulating pornographic images and abusing children are applied to young people who are expressing sexuality over phones and online
A term by Yang et al (2013) to describe how college students chose different media platforms as benchmarks in the progression of a romantic relationship
Psychologist Barry Schwartz's theory that the more selection we have, the less likely we are to choose something and feel satisfied with our choice